WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MOVE?

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU MOVE?

Moving is stressful business, in fact on the scale of stressful events, it ranks among the top five. If you are moving in connection with a job change, you have hit two of the big five! The work itself gets underway long before you actually move. If you are a two-partner family it may begin with one of you coming home with an idea that there is a job someplace else that looks interesting. Or, perhaps an employer decides to transfer one of you to a new community. Sometimes, relocation is due to a job loss and finding a new job in another location. Whatever the specific circumstances, there is generally a great deal of discussion, angst, emotion, concern, and ultimately either resignation or enthusiasm.

Once the decision is made the process slips into high gear as your house has to be de-cluttered before it can be listed for sale, or you have to negotiate a release from your apartment lease, and housing in your new community must be secured. These are just the first of many decisions you will make over the coming months—the list can be overwhelming; schools for those who have children, a new job for the spouse who follows, medical professionals, recreational and sports activities; it’s a daunting journey.

FINDING A NEW CONGREGATIONAL HOME

In the frenzy of the activity, there is one aspect of the move that sometimes gets left off the list or at least ends up further down the list—finding a new congregational home. For those who are part of larger mainstream religious traditions, this may not be a big concern as it is usually easier to find a place that is welcoming and comfortable. However, for those who are Jewish, unless you live in a large metropolitan area, there is often little choice. And, if you are an interfaith family, you may find that what you left behind worked better for you than what your new home has to offer.

Conversely, the opposite may be true as well. You may have found your former home to be lacking in a place that met the needs of your family; your new community may be perfect for you. Whichever way you find yourself and your family, it’s still different. Worship styles vary, music is often not the same; even the time of services may be different.

If you are used to a large congregation and have moved to a smaller one, you may enjoy the opportunity to get to know people on a more intimate level. It may be refreshing to discover that when you walk into a room people actually remember who you are and call you by name. The flip side of that is there may be fewer children in the religious school and a smaller number of families with children to meet. Perhaps you have moved the other direction—from a small congregation to a larger one and you suddenly discover a new array of programs and activities for everyone in your family. You think this is great, but you miss being known as an individual and feel lost in a sea of parents, young adults, or empty-nesters. So, what do you do? 

DO YOUR RESEARCH BEFORE YOU MOVE

Here are some ideas for interfaith families when looking for a congregation in a new community:

• Ask your current rabbi or educator for recommendations before your move.

• If you are not part of a congregation, check with your local Jewish Federation or community center to find out what they know about the community.

• Are there other interfaith families?

• Visit websites and look to see what kind of programming is offered for interfaith families.

• When you identify a congregation, ask the rabbi about their policies regarding the non-Jewish spouse participating in life cycle events.

• What is the policy for children attending religious school? Do they only accept children with a Jewish mother (matrilineal descent), or do they also recognize children of Jewish fathers (patrilineal descent)?

• Research to learn about the differences in denominational platforms regarding interfaith relationships—for example, which movements have rabbis that officiate at interfaith weddings? Which movements have rabbis that co-officiate at weddings?

• If you are a same-sex couple or family, which congregations in your new community will be welcoming to you and your family?

There are no easy answers, and if you have a spouse who is also seeking a community of her/his own, you then have two new congregations in which to develop new friendships and create a place for yourselves. Many years ago my husband and I moved into an area that had no Jewish life at all. There was a military base nearby that offered services on a somewhat regular basis but I simply wasn’t comfortable with that as a solution. Fortunately we only lived there a year, but during that year I learned to seek people in unlikely places and search for kindred spirits wherever I was planted. 

Once you select a congregation that seems best suited to you and your needs, here are some suggestions to help you get started your new home:

• Make an appointment with the clergy and introduce yourself; make sure s/he knows where you have moved from and find out whether or not you have mutual friends from the Jewish world.

• If you have children in school make an appointment with the Educator and offer your services; you don’t have to teach Sunday School (but you can if you want, I’m sure s/he would be delighted), there is always a need for volunteers on Sunday mornings, during weekday Hebrew and throughout the week.

• Volunteer in the office if you are not working—this is the heartbeat of every congregation and you will meet so many people this way.

• Ask about social action projects and select one that is of interest to you; if you have a family choose something that will interest other members of your family as well.

• Tap into social media and let people know where you have landed—undoubtedly you will be inundated with people who know people.

• Attend events sponsored by the congregation, the local Federation, JCC and other affiliate organizations.

• Be honest if you are struggling to pay dues and join a congregation; most of them would rather you join even if you can only pay a modest fee.

• If there is a childcare center, you might want to consider enrolling your children so they can meet other kids and you can meet other parents.

If you aren't sure you are ready to make the commitment to a congregation you might want to consider joining the Jewish Community Center if your new city has one. They usually have a great selection of activities and you can test the water and try some activities. Most small to midsize cities have some kind Jewish cultural life occurring, you just have to be willing to spend some time searching. Being able to go online makes it much easier than in the past, and if there is a university or college that’s a great place to begin. And, again, make the most of social media and tap into any networks in which you participate. 

REACHING OUT 

As a newbie, you may think people ought to be reaching out to you, but the reality is that it doesn't always happen that way. One lesson I have learned over the years and moves is that initially we often ended up inviting people to our home far more frequently that we were invited to the homes of others. It takes time and energy to get established in a new community, even a faith community. However, the connections you make and the friendships you build are so worth the effort.

For parents of young children a place that might seem unlikely is the local library story hour. I met several people through the public library story hour in a community that had no organized Jewish community. My sons have typical Biblical names and one woman picked up on that and asked if I was Jewish. Responding hesitantly in the affirmative, I was pleased when she acknowledged that she was as well and proceeded to invite us to an upcoming event which served as our introduction to a small, but welcoming, Jewish community.

WELCOME HOME    

As a classic introvert, this is the hardest part of being the newcomer: reaching out to people you don’t know and taking that risk. I have learned it is much easier to move with children because you can use their school, sports, and religious activities as an entrée to creating a new community. Having just made a move without children, and as a spouse following a husband to a new job, this is uncharted territory. I hope you will join me as I write about my experiences over the remainder of this year. For the record: I have joined a congregation and am getting involved; but I must confess I did know the rabbi and his wife prior to moving here so that does make a difference. My husband has chosen not to participate in this venture at this time. I have selected a few activities that I find interesting and have met a number of people who have been very welcoming. The other aspects of relocation are in various stages of development and remain a work in progress; I will keep you posted in the months ahead.

If you are in the process of relocation, considering a move, or have just completed one, I hope you will find this information helpful. Whatever your current state of life, remember to be kind to yourself, remember to breathe, get regular exercise, tackle one issue at a time, and do not try to unpack all of the boxes in one day.

Life is a journey and moving as an interfaith family is one more passage along the way. Make some new memories and enjoy your trip!

L’shalom,

Margaret