Thursday, December 11, 2014

RAISING CHILDREN OF FAITH

I have received a number of responses from recent posts about the issue of raising children in one faith or the other. There are groups that espouse doing both and whatever your mindset you will be able to find experts that agree with you and present research to support your decision. Some of the objections of the “single religion” school are:  
  •          it’s not fair to the spouse of the other religion,
  •          it limits the children to exposure to only one faith tradition and thus marginalizes the other parent and        extended family, and
  •         since we are all seekers and will eventually find the path that is right for each of us, it makes more            sense to introduce children to a variety of traditions early in life.

However, I still believe children need to be taught about God, about faith, and about tradition in clear, direct conversations that leave no doubt about whom they are and what you believe.

I think perhaps we are asking the wrong questions: Instead of asking whether or not we should have a Christmas tree in a Jewish home, or whether or not we should be celebrating both sets of holidays, or if we should be raising our children exclusively in one religion, we should be asking ourselves if we and our children know who were are and what we believe.

On November 27, 2014, Huffington Post Religion offered an article by David Briggs entitled, The No. 1 Reason Teens Keeps the Faith as Young Adults.” Briggs stated in part that one major determining factor was the level of engagement of parents while children were growing up. Perhaps this explains some of the success for those who are raised in interfaith homes where both religions are practiced—these parents were actively engaged in conversations regarding matters of faith.

My position is that children need, and deserve, to have a clear understanding of who they are and to be raised with a strong identity. That doesn't mean you ignore the other parent’s religion or culture. You embrace it, you celebrate, you learn about it and you teach your children to respect it, but you don’t teach them to worship it in the same way. In the same manner, you and your spouse ideally will be willing to learn about one another’s faith practices so you can have thoughtful conversations with your families, including any children you might have.

Another recent article that was pointed out to me by a friend was quite disturbing to me. It was written by a woman who had converted when her oldest child was still very young and before her two other children were born. But she felt her identity as a Jew, and that of her children, was always being questioned. She was never quite “Jewish enough” for the people in her congregation. This time of the year one of the reasons was obvious—they had a Christmas tree in their home.

This tree held no religious significance for her, it was simply a cultural symbol, and according to the article, she went to great lengths to make sure her children understood the difference. Her story is on Kveller.com; it was posted in December 2013 under the title “The Interfaith Message is Wrong” by Melissa Cohen. I agree that there is a problem, but I’m not sure it’s the message that is wrong. I wonder if it’s the shaming prevalent in many communities that is the source of the problem.

So many people believe themselves to be experts on how those who were not born into Judaism should express their adopted faith and practice and how to best blend their two traditions. They are so eager to share the wealth of their knowledge they don’t even wait until they are asked for advice. And when their valuable insights are not requested, they often resort to shaming in the form of criticism. Most of the time it’s not meant to be hurtful or antagonistic, it’s really meant to be helpful, but still, it hurts and it alienates.

One of my closest friends has been married to a man for over twenty years who was raised Catholic. They have four boys, all of whom have become Bar Mitzvah and so far the two oldest have been Confirmed. They are decidedly Jewish. They spend Christmas with their Dad’s family and go to church with them Christmas Eve.  And, oh yeah, they have a Christmas tree and presents every year in their home—a huge tree. Why? Because it’s part of his tradition and it was important to them that something of his culture be incorporated into their family. They also dye Easter eggs. There is nothing of religious significance in either of these actions; it is purely cultural, but still some chastise her for both. They live in a small town and some people don’t understand, it’s confusing for the community—how can they be Jewish and still have a tree and dye Easter eggs? Some members of their small Jewish community would prefer they be less visible. They think it would be easier for the community but would it be better for the family?

I share all of these examples of interfaith living because there is no right way; there is only the path that works for you. It isn't really about the tree. It’s about the way you live. It’s about the way you express your faith and practice your religion. It’s about your core values and ensuring that they are in sync with one another. It’s about passing on the values and traditions that are most important and enduring to both of you. It’s about making certain that your children understand the basic tenets of the faith traditions you observe and not confusing a tree or colored eggs for something other than what they are—cultural and family traditions.

Interfaith Life Coaching is about embracing family, faith and tradition. This is a great time of the year to begin a thoughtful reflection on your journey. Contact me at www.interfaithlifecoaching.com and let’s begin the conversation.
Happy Holidays,

Margaret

Thursday, November 20, 2014

BEING THANKFUL

Finally, a holiday that transcends the lines of ethnicity and religion (let’s put aside the trend of big box stores opening on this quintessential American holiday and threatening it’s very existence for a moment), and focuses on the core of who we are as humans—beings who are capable of giving thanks.

Without a doubt, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday simply because I can fully participate without any feelings of something missing. I grew up in a large (I mean huge, not just large by Jewish standards), family with five siblings and dozens of cousins and aunts and uncles. Our Thanksgivings were noisy, chaotic, multi-generational, gastronomical wonders, and quite frankly, a little insane.

On that day I was just like everyone else in our neighborhood. I didn’t have to apologize for not having decorations on our house, I didn’t have to explain that I couldn't eat cake at Sally’s birthday party because it was Passover, I didn’t have to talk about Chanukah and that it really isn't the “Jewish Christmas”, I didn’t have to endure the “Jews killed Christ” comments at school. None of that mattered on Thanksgiving—we were all immigrants in one way or another and we were all thankful for something.

Over the years our traditions have changed, our big, noisy family has evolved. Many of us are now part of interfaith families and we are scattered across the country. Of necessity we have created new traditions. Still, for me, that sense of this being a day that goes to our core values and our ability to give thanks stays with me. It may sound corny and schmaltzy but it still works in my world.

What about you? What core values evoke a sense of thankfulness for you?  How do you want to move forward into this holiday season with the sweetness of being thankful in your heart? Have you considered giving thankfulness a more prominent place in your holiday planning instead of frenetic activity?

Here’s a challenge for you this week:
  • Think about the messages you are sending to your loved ones and the toll the holidays take on you each year.
  • Then think about whether or not there is a better way of spending the next six weeks.  
  • Take a chapter from Shabbat and try unplugging from some of the commotion.
  •  Make some active decisions about what you want to pursue rather than doing everything because they are things you have always done or can do.

May your blessings abound and may you be surrounded by loved ones on Thanksgiving. If you find yourself alone this Thanksgiving Day, find a place to volunteer your time and energy. There are many worthwhile organizations that always need an extra pair of hands—hospitals, nursing homes, homeless shelters, Ronald McDonald Houses are a few that come to mind.


And, as always, if you are interested in having a conversation about discovering, clarifying and prioritizing your core values please contact me at www.interfaithlifecoaching.com.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Margaret

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

LIFE IS A JOURNEY

Birth is a beginning
Death is a destination
And life is a journey

These are the words that begin a poem written nearly 40 years ago by Rabbi Alan Fine, Chicago, IL, that has been read prior to the Kaddish on Erev Yom Kippur since the mid-1970's. It is a poem with which I am so familiar, having borrowed it on many occasions that have nothing to do with Yom Kippur. The most recent of which was the memorial service of my dearest friend’s husband a month ago. He died two days before Erev Yom Kippur, and although neither of them were Jewish; I knew I had to share the poem with Jan. As I searched for it in the Machzor (High Holy Day prayer book), I finally located it immediately prior to the Kaddish prayer (I have copied it in its entirety at the end of this posting).

The next morning I went online, found the whole poem, printed it out and shared it with Jan. She read it and asked me to read it at the service that morning. So, on Yom Kippur morning, instead of sitting in shul praying, I was sitting in a condo community room that we had turned into a sacred space to celebrate the life of a man loved by all of those present. “Birth is a beginning, Death is a destination, And life is a journey…”

I write about our journeys as part of the interfaith experience because what else is this other than a journey through the lens of Judaism, our collective communities, and the faith communities of those whom we love? Our journeys began long ago—either as early as recorded history with the creation narratives, or with the story of Abraham and Sarah and their journey to the land of Ur, Abraham and Lot and their separate journeys, the Exodus from Egypt, or some other point in history to be the beginning of your journey. As you and your family move through your story and write the narrative that will become your history, consider how the decisions you make today about the place Judaism has in your life will affect the path you and your family travel.

Life is a journey

Birth is a beginning
Death is a destination
And life is a journey

and youth to age; 

From innocence to awareness 
and ignorance to knowing; 

From foolishness to desecration 
and then perhaps to wisdom. 

From weakness to strength or 
from strength to weakness 
and often back again; 

From health to sickness 
and we pray to health again. 

From offense to forgiveness 
from loneliness to love 

from joy to gratitude 
from pain to compassion 

from grief to understanding 
from fear to faith. 

From defeat to defeat to defeat 
until looking backwards or ahead 

We see that victory lies not 
at some high point along the way 

but in having made the journey 
step by step 
a sacred pilgrimage. 

Birth is a beginning 
and death a destination 

And life is a journey; 

A sacred journey to life everlasting. 


Wherever you go, may your journey be full of exciting adventures, memories, and peace.

Monday, September 29, 2014

GETTING READY FOR THE HIGH HOLY DAYS: 5775

GETTING READY FOR THE HIGH HOLY DAYS: 5775

Because I am in the middle of moving—I know, who moves during the High Holy Days? Well, apparently a lot of people, and this year, I am one of them! But, I digress, I had a whole High Holy Day program partially written, beginning with Selichot and ending with Simchat Torah. Unfortunately, the move got in the way and I never finished writing the piece. Instead we will pick up with the Yamim Noraim, or Days of Awe and Yom Kippur. Come back next year and I will take you through the whole cycle!

Whether you are Jewish or not, preparing for the High Holy Days is not an easy feat. My suggestion is always to start small and decide on one or two ways that you and your family will observe and celebrate the beginning of the cycle of a new Jewish year. The High Holy Days are actually several holidays combined together, for now we will focus on the interim days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, also known as the Day of Atonement.

Yamim Noraim or Days of Awe

The days between Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year) and Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) are known as the Days of Awe. These are the ten days set aside for repentance and reflection prior to Yom Kippur when we return to our respective houses of worship and ask God for forgiveness for the sins and shortcomings of our behavior in the previous year. The most poignant part of the days is that it isn’t enough to simply reflect on our words, actions and behavior; we must make amends for whatever wrongs we have perpetrated on others. We are taught that before we can be forgiven, we must request forgiveness of those whom we have wronged. It is, however, not our responsibility if they refuse to accept our apologies; it is only incumbent upon us to offer such apologies sincerely.

YOM KIPPUR

Also known as the Day of Atonement, Yom Kippur is the holiest of days in the Jewish calendar. It is one of the fast days of the Jewish year and requires a complete fast of every able-bodied person from sundown on Kol Nidre (the evening before Yom Kippur) until sundown the following day.  The entire day is spent in prayer and contemplation besides the fasting. It is a very powerful day if one focuses fully with kavannah or intentionality.  With that in mind, here are some questions you might have:

Y  How do I teach my children the basic principles of Yom Kippur? These seem like pretty heavy ideas?  Children are quick to understand concepts that adults struggle with when presented in ways that are appropriate for their ages. One of the best books I have found for Yom Kippur is The Hardest Word: A Yom Kippur Story by Jacqueline Jules. It is available on Amazon and is also a PJ Library Book http://www.pjlibrary.org. It is a simple story that tackles some of the most difficult concepts on a level that is appropriate for young children. I have also used it for older children by changing the suggested activities and making it more interactive. My experience is that if you engage your children in a conversation about the context of the story, you can extend the age appropriateness of the story. Try it with your family and see how they respond. Let me know in the comment section; I would really like to know if this book works for you!

Y  What should I do about taking my children to services? Be sincere; don’t try to do too much. If you have children who find it difficult to sit while you read to them before bedtime, you might want to try a children’s service that is shorter rather than taking them to a traditional service that last several hours. You want exposure to be positive not negative.

Y  Should I take off work for the day? My response is “Yes, if at all possible take the day off.” Our culture is geared toward Christian holidays and nobody even thinks twice about being off for Christmas or asking for time off on Good Friday to go to church. But, asking for time off for Yom Kippur? Somehow we become paralyzed when people will learn that we are Jewish. I hope you are able to take the day—restore your spirit and soul and you will be thankful you did.

Y  Should I take my kids out of school for the day? My answer to this is an unequivocal YES! If you are raising Jewish children, and you want them to have a connection to Judaism and to be engaged in Jewish living, thinking and learning, then you have to make participating in the holiday cycle a priority. It isn’t always easy, your decision to pull your child out of school for a day may not be popular with school administration, but in the end, it’s the right decision for your family. (Refer to my September 4 post about talking with school administration.) Even if you ultimately decide sitting in services is not right for your children, you can have a meaningful day together learning about forgiveness and what it means to begin anew each year.

Y  Should my children be fasting and if so, what is the appropriate age? Each child is different and thus should be treated as an individual. Children are not expected to fast until they reach Bat/Bar Mitzvah age—which is 13 and the point at which they take on the obligations of a Jewish adult. Some are able to fast at age 13, others are not. You have to decide what is appropriate for your child. Keep in mind that most children emulate their parents; if you are fasting they will likely want to join you in your fast. Here are some tips I used with my family as our children grew up:

Y  Start small—when our children were young we would stop after Erev (Evening) Rosh Hashanah services for a milk shake on the way home. After Kol Nidre services on Yom Kippur we didn’t stop for milk shakes. Of course the first few years the boys wanted to know why, so we explained that Yom Kippur was a day of fasting and prayer and it would not be appropriate to have a milk shake after services. Instead, we had our milk shake following Break Fast the next day. It became a meaningful tradition for our family and taught them a valuable lesson about fasting.

Y  Because we lived a long way from our congregation, we couldn’t go home between services. On Rosh Hashanah, we went out to eat and it was a great treat. On Yom Kippur, I packed a small cooler with simple food—peanut butter and cheese sandwiches, apples, oranges, juice, and carrot and celery sticks. When they got hungry they could go to the car and get something to eat. They could go as often as they wanted, but I wouldn’t take them out to eat. I also didn’t bring chips, candy, cookies or anything that was considered a “treat”. They got the message and understood that this day was different than all other days. Before they became Bar Mitzvah they were fasting (until I discovered that one of them simply couldn’t fast without getting sick—that was counterintuitive—I made sure he drank some orange juice at least or broke his fast before he got sick).  

WHAT IS BREAK-THE-FAST AND WHY ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE COMING TO OUR HOUSE?

Ah, yes, another tradition everybody forgot to tell you about. Well, it’s like this: after fasting for the past 25 hours (24 aren’t good enough, we have to make sure the sun has set so we go the extra hour), everyone is starving and needs to eat. And, just because we may have spent the past 12 hours praying together, we aren’t quite finished with one another. So, we come together to eat….. Take heart, nobody expects one person to do all the preparation anymore, and simple food will do nicely. In most communities you can order trays of food that will be delivered the day before (bagels, lox, whitefish, fruit, and sweets). All you have to do is set everything out when you get home and sit back and watch people devour whatever you put in front of them. Don’t hesitate to ask people to bring dishes of their favorite holiday foods—this is a great trick if you don’t know how to cook kugel, bake challah, or make most of the ritual foods. Simply assign those to someone who does and you will make a new friend!

The one item you must pay attention to is whether you have people who keep Kosher; if you do, please be sure to consult someone for help so you don’t accidentally mix foods that shouldn’t be served together. If you are uncertain, contact me at http://info@interfaithlifecoaching.com and I will help guide you through the process. It can be a slippery slope but with the right preparation you can do this like a pro!

WHY DOES THE CALENDAR SAY 5775?

Calculating the birth of the world is a time-honored tradition that many rabbis attempted. Perhaps the best known and most popular is the one developed by Rabbi Yossi ben Halafta, a sage of the second century C.E. (Common Era).  Rabbi ben Halafta followed the practice of other rabbis and scholars in creating a timeline through the Hebrew Bible using the Exodus narrative and chronology of the texts to establish the beginning of creation. However, he refined his process to a specific day and time.

Those who take the texts literally believe the world began 5775 years ago come September; the rest consider it a figurative date. To read more about this visit this link: http://www.myjewishlearning.com/holidays/About_Holidays/Types_of_Holidays/Fiveyearcalendar/CountingJewishYear.shtml?p=2.

Come back next week and I will (hopefully) have posted information about Sukkot, Simchat Torah and Shimini-Atzeret! In the interim, may you have a meaningful fast and may the Days of Awe be a time of illumination and enlightenment for you.

L'Hitraot,

Margaret


Thursday, September 4, 2014


THE INTERFAITH CENTER

Teaching the Teachers
 

September 4, 2014

When it comes to creating the right school environment for our children, we will do whatever we can to ensure their needs are being met. We research neighborhoods and communities before deciding where to buy homes and often base those decisions on the quality of the schools. For those who choose not enroll their children in the public schools, much deliberation is goes into deciding which private school is the best fit for your family. Unless you are contemplating a school associated with your particular religion, you may not have given much thought to how the topic of your family’s faith tradition will be impacted by your decision, until you give notice that your children will be absent for a holiday. Suddenly, you are the expert and the person who must explain the need for them to miss school for a day or two. This prospect may be daunting, but stop worrying, that’s what I’m here for; the information you need is a click away at www.interfaithlifecoaching.com.

In a few easy steps by reading through this blog post and following up on some of the resources, you can have enough information to feel confident in approaching the personnel in your children’s school.

OFFER INFORMATION

What? Me? Give the teachers and principal information about Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur? I don’t even know what they mean; I have enough trouble explaining it to my parents, my husband, my wife, my kids…. How am I supposed to explain it to people at school?

Relax, this isn’t a dissertation, it’s only a few highlights about the importance of each holiday and why you want your children to be excused from school to celebrate at your synagogue with your family. There are so many resources available here are a few to get you started:

Y  If your children have started Religious School look through their materials to see what they have brought home about Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur. Choose a few major points like Rosh Hashanah is the Jewish New Year and Day of Remembrance and Yom Kippur is the Day of Atonement and explain that they are celebrated with prayer and fasting (in the case of Yom Kippur for adults and children over age 12) in temple. Try to make the point that your children won’t have an opportunity to do their make-up work that day as we refrain from these activities (some schools expect students to return the next day with all the work they missed completed.)

Y  Visit some websites to see what they have about the holidays. Here are a few to peruse: your congregational website, www.urj.org; www.uscj.org/, www.myjewishlearning.com, http://pjlibrary.org/ (for families with children 8 and under), www.amazon.com has hundreds of children’s books to choose from and lets you preview most of them;

Y  Try going to your public library to see if they have any children’s book on the holidays, or visit your library’s website and see what you can get from an interlibrary loan;

Y  Consider beginning your own family library, a couple of great sources are: On the Doorpost of Your House, by Chaim Stern, The How to Handbook of Jewish Living (there are three volumes or one book containing all three volumes), by Kerry M. Olitzky, Ronald H. Isaacs and Dorcas Gelabert; At Home with the Jewish Holidays, Leona Green. These are all available on www.urj.press.com or through Amazon.

SHARING A CALENDAR  

This is such a simple idea that I am embarrassed to admit that it never occurred to me when my children were growing up. But it’s such a great tool for the school administration and such a great way to be proactive. If you remember from the last blog post we talked about ways you could be proactive and what that means—this is being proactive in action. There are many calendar programs to choose from online, just make sure you choose one that shows the holidays beginning in the evening. Google, Apple and Outlook all have calendar programs that you can add to your computers, phones and pads/tablets.

Here are some good choices: http://www.hebcal.com/, http://www.printableJewishcalendar.com, http://www.creative-calendars.com/hebrew-calendar/ and my favorite, http://www.holidays.net/calendars/religions/, because it lists Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Baha’i, Wiccan, Buddhist, Hindu and Pagan.  Another great idea is to get free calendars from your congregation and distribute them to your school. Most monument companies (yes the places that make the headstones for gravesites) provide them free of charge to the synagogues; if you contact the monument companies directly and tell them why you want several, they will probably send you some.
This is a great tool for your workplace as well as your children’s school. How many times have you learned that not only a school program or sport activity is scheduled for Yom Kippur, but an important meeting is taking place the same day? Our world is oriented on a Gregorian calendar that is largely focused on Christian holidays. While it is changing to some degree, the majority of Americans still have mono vision—everybody goes to church on Sunday.

I would be remiss if I didn’t extend a word of caution at this point. There is so much information online and it is so easy to stumble upon something that looks right but might not be quite what you think it is. So, please be cautious. If you have reservations about a site, ask someone if it is legitimate or if there is a better site under your particular circumstances. If you are in an interfaith relationship, you want a website that embraces families of both faiths, doesn’t proselyte, and doesn’t have hidden agendas. If an egalitarian perspective is important to you, meaning men and women share the same roles and have equal voices in leadership, then look at websites from more progressive movements instead of very traditional ones. And, finally, there are some messianic movements that look and feel like Judaism, but are not within the scope of mainstream Judaism. This will be a discussion for another time. Confused? Email me at info@interfaithlifecoaching.com and we can talk about all of this and more!
IT’S MORE THAN A CALENDAR!

When you approach a school or your workplace with a calendar of your holy days, you are doing more than offering some information. You are taking the initiative toward changing the culture of your place of business, your children’s school and your community. It’s not easy to be a change agent, but I find it more meaningful to be an active participant than a passive observer. We live in some uncertain times and it is natural to feel that it may not be in your best interest to call attention to yourself or your children. I can understand that concern and ambivalence—you are the only one who can determine whether or not the time is right to speak up. I hope it is because the more people who step forward the better for everyone. This is true regardless of your religious affiliation, but this is a topic for another day!

While you are offering your calendar, keep in mind that many school districts and organizations plan more than one year in advance. Be forward thinking by offering a multi-year calendar that shows major holidays for up to five years. This may not be important for Christian holidays, but if you are part of a religion that operates on a lunar (Muslim and Baha’i) or modified lunar (Judaism) calendar you know holidays move each year.
Passover sometimes coincides with Easter but not always which is why spring break may fall during Passover and it may fall before or after. Ramadhan can fall anytime during the year; this is critical for school administrators to understand. If it has been on a summer cycle and you come in to talk about having your child released from lunch, they may not understand why you are asking now and not last year. From the perspective of school administrators, it is very hard to plan with a moving target so make it easier on them. Just as Interfaith Life Coaching is offering you a toolbox of resources, you can offer the same to those with whom you work, study and associate.

BEYOND THE CALENDAR!

We will talk more in the coming weeks about other ways you can become engaged in conversations that concern diversity in the schools, workplace and community. In preparation you might want to find out if your school district has a diversity council or your community a diversity awareness program. Many corporations also have programs through their human resources departments. All of these are potential areas that you can make a difference for yourself and your family. This will help you in your quest to understand your religious values and those of your partner’s while embracing faith, family and tradition.

I look forward to continuing our conversation; contact me at info@interfaithlifecoaching.com.

L’shalom,

Margaret

 

Thursday, August 21, 2014




BLOGGING AT THE INTERFAITH CENTER


August 20, 2014

Where did the summer go? Once again, it seems to have slipped past us without even noticing. For most of you in the south your kids, and possibly you, have already returned to school and that means that the High Holidays will soon be upon us. And, if you are an interfaith family, going back to school involves all sorts of issues that most other families don’t even think about. For example, if you are Jewish, before school really gets started, you are generally writing notes to teachers and coaches about the days your children will be absent for the High Holy Days.

Several years ago when our oldest son started high school, I wrote my usual note explaining that he would be out of school for Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, giving the dates of each, and requesting that he be excused for these two days. I had been doing this since he was in first grade in the same school district without any difficulty. I was stunned when he came home at the end of the day and reported that he had been told the days would be recorded as unexcused absences. I looked at my non-Jewish husband and railed, “How can they do this? This is our holiday, if I were to suggest they hold school on Christmas or Easter they would laugh at me. These days are every bit as holy to us as Christmas and Easter are to them.” I was livid and ready to call the TV stations, write an editorial to the newspaper, and call the ACLU and Anti-Defamation League. Fortunately for our children, saner heads prevailed and my husband offered to meet with the assistant principal at the high school.

Perhaps you are remembering other years when you have approached school personnel and been met with blank stares. To be fair, not all school administrators and teachers are unaware about Jewish holidays or obstructionist when approached, most have been very understanding, accommodating and eager to learn. The real issue is: why should you have to do this every year?

My goal with this post is to help you find a way to end this pattern by being more proactive. Let’s begin with the premise that the school administrators, teachers and coaches who interact with your family know nothing about your religious practices. You have two choices: bang your head against the wall all year with your complaints about their ignorance and lack of accommodation, or offer them some tools and resources that will make your life easier and pave the path for other families coming after you. I have done both and I find the latter to be the better course of action.


BUILDING BRIDGES 
There were several revelations that came from my husband’s meeting with the assistant principal:

1.      Not everyone understands the significance of any holiday other than Christian holidays;

2.      Not everyone is versed in historical facts regarding Judaism or other minority religion;

3.      We all make assumptions about what we each know and understand;

4.      Just because a holiday is listed on the calendar, don’t think people are curious enough to look it up and learn what it is about.

This particular assistant principal had no knowledge base to distinguish the difference between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and the endless requests from student’s parents to attend mission trips with their churches. When my husband pointed the holidays listed on her calendar, she simply stated she never knew what they were and nobody had ever asked her about them before. She then asked him for a list of all the Jewish students in the school so she could circulate that to the faculty and coaches. Yeah, huge red flag for him.

So my dear husband did two things: he patiently explained to her first that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur were the most sacred days in the Jewish calendar (yes, Shabbat really is the most sacred day, but work with me here please), just like Christmas and Easter are sacred to Christians. This was something she could understand. He went further explaining to her that asking for lists of Jewish students was much like the way the Nazi’s started—by identifying everyone so they knew who was Jewish and could be easily located later on for their nefarious purposes. This was something else she could understand. In the end he built a bridge with her in a way that allowed her to maintain dignity, not be ridiculed or embarrassed, and be part of creating a solution. And yes, our son’s absences were excused.

BE PROACTIVE

What does it mean to be “Proactive”? Simply stated it means to take action before there is a problem or need for any perceived activity. In the case of the excused absence request, think of it from their perspective. Public schools are paid based on attendance; if your child is absent for a day, they don’t get paid for your child on that particular day. Most schools budget based on a 90-95% average attendance rate. If you live in an area where there are a large number of Jewish students, the two days of Rosh Hashanah and one day for Yom Kippur hit them hard. Add to that the number of teachers and other school personnel who might take personal or vacation days and the district could take a huge hit. However, those districts know they have large populations of Jewish families so they are able to be proactive in their planning and budgeting. They know and expect parents to be calling and/or sending notes specifying which dates their children may be missing.

If, however, you live in a school district with few Jewish students, the school administration may be completely unaware of the importance of the High Holy Days. Instead of expecting them to know why they are important, be ready to educate them and give as much advance notice as possible about the dates your child will be missing. If you are traveling out of town to spend the holiday with family, be sure to tell them so they are not misled; being transparent will serve you well in the future.

There are many ways of making the path a bit easier on our children and our families. As a Temple Educator for many years, I had the conversation with parents all the time about whether to take their children out of school and bring them to Temple or let them go to school. I tried to understand both sides of the issue; often I felt that many parents let their kids go to school because they simply didn’t have the tools to explain why it was important for them to be in Temple instead of school that day. In my next post we will talk about the importance of being with community on these sacred days and I will offer some specific resources that you may use to provide information to school personnel. A subsequent post will include some of the ways congregations include children in worship; this will, I hope, help you in your decision-making about your whole family participating in worship for the High Holy Days.

A phrase you may begin hearing, L’Shanah Tova, means roughly “a good year” and is the greeting of choice for most people during the holidays. Feel free to reply in kind to anyone who wishes you,

 L’Shanah Tova,

Margaret

Sunday, August 10, 2014


BLOGGING AT INTERFAITH LIFE COACHING

August 10, 2014

Well, I got your attention, didn’t I? I would imagine you have two questions: What is “INTERFAITH LIFE COACHING”? and “What is there to blog about?” Great questions and they are the reason I started this blog and Interfaith Life Coaching; which in reality is about much more than Life Coaching. Interfaith Life Coaching is your online resource for everything you need to learn and know about being in an interfaith relationship or having a family member who is in an interfaith relationship. This includes Life Coaching and a series of Presentations and Workshops that are available for congregations and organizations. If you go to my website, www.interfaithlifecoaching.com, you will find a vast array of information to get you started. I am available to assist individuals, couples—both those newly engaged and those who are already married, parents with children (young and not so young), grandparents, and extended family members through Life Coaching.

In addition to Interfaith Life Coaching, I have developed a series of Presentations that work really well in a congregational or organizational setting, on a variety of topics that are of interest to people in interfaith relationships like: How do we tell our parents? Why should our community care about interfaith relationships?  How do we choose between religions and is that really necessary? These are designed to be about an hour in length with time for questions and answers. Presentations are also geared toward involving the whole congregation in the conversation about interfaith families. Each one is an introduction to the topic since it isn’t possible to cover any of these subjects in an hour. It is possible, however, to begin thinking about how your congregation wants to engage in conversations, or how you as parents with young children, want to raise them.

The last piece I offer is a series of Workshops that are divided into two groups—one for families and communities and another for communities and congregations. These are on topics such as Building a Religious Home for Interfaith Families, Exploring Together (for couples), Embracing the Other Half of Your Community, Building Traditions, and Being a Grandparent. These are described in detail on my website, www.interfaithlifecoaching.com and can be booked through the website.

This blog will be the place that I will share ideas, thoughts and resources about all of the topics that appear on the website. The internet is a vast storehouse and wealth of information, but unless you know where to look for the particular information you need, it can be either useless or overwhelming. This will be the forum where I will be able to link you to various websites, books, videos, articles and music that might be of interest in your journey. It will be the home for a series of “How to Guides” to Jewish holidays for the non-Jewish spouse. If there is interest, I will happily offer “How to Guides” for other holidays, but my experience has been that most people know how to enter into Christian celebrations whereas the majority of non-Jews do not know the specifics of Jewish holidays. And, if there is the need, expansion into holy days of other traditions will be available.

So, as we approach the holidays on our various liturgical calendars, I will be writing blog posts to assist you in your preparations. This will include the history of the holiday, differences between beliefs and traditions associated with any given holiday, practical aspects of each day, some of the highlights associated with the day or days, and a list of resources including websites, books, music, etc., that you can use in your preparation.  In most of our traditions there is a distinction between holy days and holidays—sometimes the lines are blurred. For example, Christmas is really a holy day for Christians but has become secularized for many and is often considered simply a holiday; whereas Good Friday and Easter are still very much Holy Days. In Judaism, Chanukah is a holiday, while Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are Holy Days. In Islam, Ramadan is a Holy Month and each day is considered a Holy Day.

It is my hope that this will be a forum that will meet your needs and that you will become active participants by letting me know what you would like to learn about, what resources you need, and whether what I am providing is helpful or not. Between holidays, I will write about topics with which I have had a great deal of experience—living in an interfaith marriage and raising two sons who are now adults. This has been a very rewarding journey; it has not been the easiest path but it certainly was, at the time, the road less traveled. And, so I took the road less traveled and have never regretted my decision. There is no right way to do this, there is no wrong way—there is only your way and the way that works for you and your family. My role is to facilitate as you write your story and to offer my perspective when asked, to help you clarify your values regarding faith, family and tradition, and to assist you as you find balance in your interfaith family relationships.

I look forward to our journey together. Sometimes you may feel that a particular blog doesn’t really speak to your situation; in that case, please feel free to forward it to someone else. All I ask is that we remember that this is a place to be respectful of each tradition and religious expression. There will not be any attempts to sway or persuade readers to one position or another; neither will any negative posts about any movement or tradition be permitted. This is a sacred place where people can learn and grow together. Ken y’hi ratzon. May it be so.
Shalom,

Margaret