August 20, 2014
Where did the summer go? Once again, it seems to have
slipped past us without even noticing. For most of you in the south your kids,
and possibly you, have already returned to school and that means that the High
Holidays will soon be upon us. And, if you are an interfaith family, going back
to school involves all sorts of issues that most other families don’t even
think about. For example, if you are Jewish, before school really gets started,
you are generally writing notes to teachers and coaches about the days your
children will be absent for the High Holy Days.
Several years ago when our oldest son started high school, I
wrote my usual note explaining that he would be out of school for Rosh Hashanah
and Yom Kippur, giving the dates of each, and requesting that he be excused for
these two days. I had been doing this since he was in first grade in the same school
district without any difficulty. I was stunned when he came home at the end of
the day and reported that he had been told the days would be recorded as unexcused
absences. I looked at my non-Jewish husband and railed, “How can they do this?
This is our holiday, if I were to suggest they hold school on Christmas or
Easter they would laugh at me. These days are every bit as holy to us as
Christmas and Easter are to them.” I was livid and ready to call the TV
stations, write an editorial to the newspaper, and call the ACLU and
Anti-Defamation League. Fortunately for our children, saner heads prevailed and
my husband offered to meet with the assistant principal at the high school.
Perhaps you are remembering other years when you have
approached school personnel and been met with blank stares. To be fair, not all
school administrators and teachers are unaware about Jewish holidays or
obstructionist when approached, most have been very understanding,
accommodating and eager to learn. The real issue is: why should you have to do
this every year?
My goal with this post is to help you find a way to end this
pattern by being more proactive. Let’s begin with the premise that the school
administrators, teachers and coaches who interact with your family know nothing
about your religious practices. You have two choices: bang your head against
the wall all year with your complaints about their ignorance and lack of
accommodation, or offer them some tools and resources that will make your life
easier and pave the path for other families coming after you. I have done both
and I find the latter to be the better course of action.
BUILDING BRIDGES
There were several revelations that came from my husband’s meeting
with the assistant principal:
1.
Not everyone understands the significance of any
holiday other than Christian holidays;
2.
Not everyone is versed in historical facts
regarding Judaism or other minority religion;
3.
We all make assumptions about what we each know
and understand;
4.
Just because a holiday is listed on the
calendar, don’t think people are curious enough to look it up and learn what it
is about.
This particular assistant principal had no knowledge base to
distinguish the difference between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur and the endless
requests from student’s parents to attend mission trips with their churches.
When my husband pointed the holidays listed on her calendar, she simply stated
she never knew what they were and nobody had ever asked her about them before.
She then asked him for a list of all the Jewish students in the school so she
could circulate that to the faculty and coaches. Yeah, huge red flag for him.
So my dear husband did two things: he patiently explained to
her first that Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur were the most sacred days in the
Jewish calendar (yes, Shabbat really is the
most sacred day, but work with me here please), just like Christmas and Easter
are sacred to Christians. This was something she could understand. He went
further explaining to her that asking for lists of Jewish students was much
like the way the Nazi’s started—by identifying everyone so they knew who was
Jewish and could be easily located later on for their nefarious purposes. This
was something else she could understand. In the end he built a bridge with her
in a way that allowed her to maintain dignity, not be ridiculed or embarrassed,
and be part of creating a solution. And yes, our son’s absences were excused.
BE PROACTIVE
What does it mean to be “Proactive”? Simply stated it means
to take action before there is a problem or need for any perceived activity. In
the case of the excused absence request, think of it from their perspective.
Public schools are paid based on attendance; if your child is absent for a day,
they don’t get paid for your child on that particular day. Most schools budget
based on a 90-95% average attendance rate. If you live in an area where there
are a large number of Jewish students, the two days of Rosh Hashanah and one
day for Yom Kippur hit them hard. Add to that the number of teachers and other
school personnel who might take personal or vacation days and the district
could take a huge hit. However, those districts know they have large
populations of Jewish families so they are able to be proactive in their planning and budgeting. They know and expect
parents to be calling and/or sending notes specifying which dates their children
may be missing.
If, however, you live in a school district with few Jewish
students, the school administration may be completely unaware of the importance
of the High Holy Days. Instead of expecting them to know why they are
important, be ready to educate them and give as much advance notice as possible
about the dates your child will be missing. If you are traveling out of town to
spend the holiday with family, be sure to tell them so they are not misled;
being transparent will serve you well in the future.
There are many ways of making the path a bit easier on our
children and our families. As a Temple Educator for many years, I had the
conversation with parents all the time about whether to take their children out
of school and bring them to Temple or let them go to school. I tried to
understand both sides of the issue; often I felt that many parents let their
kids go to school because they simply didn’t have the tools to explain why it
was important for them to be in Temple instead of school that day. In my next
post we will talk about the importance of being with community on these sacred
days and I will offer some specific resources that you may use to provide
information to school personnel. A subsequent post will include some of the
ways congregations include children in worship; this will, I hope, help you in
your decision-making about your whole family participating in worship for the
High Holy Days.
A phrase you may begin hearing, L’Shanah Tova, means roughly “a good year” and is the greeting of
choice for most people during the holidays. Feel free to reply in kind to
anyone who wishes you,
L’Shanah Tova,
Margaret
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