LET'S TALK ABOUT CONVERSION, Part I

LET’S TALK ABOUT CONVERSION

Part 1

This is probably the most difficult topic for any interfaith couple, family, grandparent or individual—what about conversion? It is also a very private decision that should be made without any pressure from either side of the family. Just to be clear, I’m talking about converting to or from any religion, not just Judaism—keep that in mind as we move through this exercise. Since this is such a huge topic, this will be a three-part post: the first part about converting to Judaism; the second part will be about converting from Judaism to the faith of your partner and the third when conversion just doesn’t feel right to you. So, let’s try unpacking it by examining it from the perspective of someone converting to Judaism.

MAKING A DECISION TO CONVERT

It is entirely possible that your desire to convert to Judaism has nothing to do with an upcoming marriage or commitment ceremony. This may be something you have been considering for years but never acted upon because there was no compelling reason. Now, however, seems like an auspicious time; you have always envisioned yourself converting someday so why not now?

Years ago the idea of converting was met with skepticism: Why would anyone want to convert? People were routinely turned away (traditionally a rabbi had to turn a prospective convert away three times before engaging in study with that person) or obstacles were put in their way until they finally gave up. In much of the world the only path to conversion was, and still is, through the portal of Orthodox Judaism which didn’t suit many who were seeking. 

One of the most famous stories told about conversion is that of the sage Hillel who was approached by a man who wished to convert. He asked Hillel to teach him the Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel’s response was: “What is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor: that is the whole Torah, the rest is the commentary, go and learn it.” (Babylonian Talmud: Tractate Shabbat, Folio 31a).

Where do you begin such a journey? In Judaism, there are two lifecycle events for which you really must have a rabbi at your side—conversion and a (Jewish) wedding. So, you do need to develop a relationship with a rabbi and it should be someone with whom you have a level of comfort and within a movement that meets your core values.

If this already sounds too complicated and you are overwhelmed before you get started, take a deep breath and keep going. First, this is one of the areas a life coach can assist you in getting started. That’s right! I am not a rabbi, but my experiences assisting other people in their journeys toward conversion have provided me with the skills and knowledge to help you with the preparations. A couple of sessions with me can help you clarify your core values and separate belief from tradition. Once you sort those out you will have a better idea of what kind of Jewish tradition you are seeking and how to move forward in the direction that is best suited to you. If this sounds interesting to you can reach me at www.interfaithlifecoaching.com and we can get started on your adventure.

Most mid-size to large communities offer an Introduction to Judaism course that typically runs for 14-16 weeks and meets on a weekly basis. The Union for Reform Judaism offers a 16-week course twice each year that is taught by area rabbis; the Jewish Outreach Institute offers courses throughout the country; Jewish Community Centers and Jewish Federations in many cities offer programs; frequently congregations will work in concert with one another to offer an opportunity to interested persons in the area; and, sometimes universities have courses through their continuing education departments.

Keep in mind there are a wide range of options on the continuum of Judaism—from Orthodoxy to Humanism—so it is important to spend some time deciding which movement meets your needs and most accurately lines up with your values, belief system and life style. There will be another post specifically detailing the choices that are available; I make no judgment on any of them, it is a personal decision. The only caveat I will offer you is that Messianic Judaism is not a valid choice if you are converting to Judaism.

For people who live in small towns or who are unable to attend weekly sessions due to scheduling conflicts more and more online opportunities have opened up in recent years. There are many individuals and couples who have completed both the conversion process and marriage counseling without actually meeting their rabbi in person before the conversion or wedding!

CONVERTING BEFORE MARRIAGE

There are many times a person chooses to convert prior getting married. Sometimes this decision is driven by a personal desire to do so; sometimes it is due to familial expectations. And often it is based upon a desire to be married by a particular clergy member or in a specific church or synagogue. Whether or not one decides to convert prior to marriage, there is a process that must be undertaken. In Judaism, one cannot simply walk into a rabbi’s office and state that you are would like to convert—today. It is at least a year-long process of study and meeting with a sponsoring rabbi, ergo the Introduction to Judaism class and the need for a rabbi to sponsor you to take the class.

If you are planning a wedding and wish to be married by a rabbi and complete your conversion prior to that date, you should start organizing your efforts as soon as you and your fiancé realize this relationship is lasting and conversion is part of your future.  Please be aware that you will both be expected to attend the Introduction to Judaism classes; consider it a booster shot for whichever of you is already Jewish. Most rabbis today are happy to sponsor students seeking to clarify their desire to convert, but they do require you to meet with them, and they do expect you to be serious about your query.

It is not unusual for an individual to interview a couple of rabbis before deciding which one s/he would like to be the sponsoring rabbi; after all, you will be spending a lot of time with this person for the next year or more. It is also recommended that you visit the congregation and attend a few Shabbat services before making your decision. Most rabbis have requirements that conversion students attend either Friday night or Saturday morning services, or both, on a regular basis during the study period. You want to be certain you are in a community that meets your core values. A good place to begin would be in the movement your fiancé is already affiliated with, assuming that is some place s/he wants to remain.

CONVERTING AFTER MARRIAGE

It has been my experience that people either convert prior to marriage or wait until sometime long after they have been married. The exception is women who decide to convert while pregnant so there is no question that their child will be born Jewish and thus avoid the patrilineal vs. matrilineal debate at a later time. For those who wait, some may do so because they want to be able to participate more fully in the lifecycle events of their children, others may be moved by exposure over the years to the practices and traditions in Judaism and decide it is simply time to officially become part of the community.

Regardless of the reasons, the process is very similar—a period of study with your rabbi, participation in religious services, a public declaration of your intention to unite with the Jewish people. Generally when someone has been a long-time member of the congregation, the process may become truncated a bit because the rabbi already knows you and you have familiarity with the congregation and Judaism in general. However, it is still a huge commitment and none of the rabbis I have ever worked with bypassed the opportunity to engage on a personal level with anyone who was moving toward conversion no matter how long they had been part of the congregation.

WHAT ABOUT THE MIKVAH AND CIRCUMCISION?

I am always surprised when people ask about the mikvah and think 1) they must go to the mikvah, or 2) they cannot convert because they won’t be allowed into the mikvah. This could be a whole post in itself and I am not qualified to give a definitive, Halachic (Jewish law) answer to this question.

Here is what I can tell you: If you are converting under the auspices of an Orthodox or Conservative rabbi you will be required to go to the mikvah. If you are converting under the sponsorship of a Reform or Reconstructionist rabbi you may go to the mikvah depending on the rabbi, the availability of a mikvah in your community and your own preference. (Most Reform rabbis now encourage and/or require their students to use the mikvah which is a huge change from twenty years ago.) If you are leaning toward a Humanistic conversion you will most likely not go to the mikvah unless you feel strongly about doing so. Again, this is an overly simplistic answer so please do your research and discuss this with your rabbi. I have had the privilege of being present during a number of conversion ceremonies when people went to the mikvah; there was something transformative about the experience for each of them.

As for circumcision, if a man is already circumcised the process is relatively simple. It is hatafat dam brit or extracting a drop of blood to symbolize the reenactment of circumcision. Orthodox and Conservative rabbis require this; Reform and Reconstructionist generally recommend but there are varied opinions. For those who have never been circumcised, you should discuss your options with your rabbi because, again, this may depend on the movement under which your convert. In general both Orthodox and Conservative movements require circumcision while Reform and Reconstructionist will encourage it but not always insist. In the Reform movement, I have known men who have chosen to address this in a variety of ways from being circumcised, to hatafat dam brit, to immersion in the mikvah.

There are a number of great resources on the internet to begin your research. Among the ones I suggest are:

• MyJewishLearning.com; 
• InterfaithFamily.com; 
• Union for Reform Judaism; 
• United Synagogues for Conservative Judaism; 
• Jewish Reconstructionist Community; 
• Both Sides of the Family; 
• Choosing a Jewish Life: A Handbook for People Converting to Judaism and for Their Family and Friends, Anita Diamont; 
• The Complete How To Handbook for Jewish Living, Kerry Olitzky and Ronald Isaacs (both books are available at Amazon.com). 

SHARING YOUR DECISION

Whatever you decide, you will inevitably delight one side of the family and sadden the other unless one of your families is extraordinary. If your parents are active in their church and have a clergy person they are close to, it might be wise for you to make an appointment to speak to that person and seek guidance before broaching the subject. Be prepared for their priest or minister to question your motives and ask you to clarify the reasons for your decision. Instead of being defensive about it, understand he or she is only doing what your future spouse’s rabbi would do if the tables were turned (which they will be in the next post).

One of the reasons I suggest having this conversation is that it is very likely that your parents will ask you to talk to their priest or minister and you will be able to truthfully state you have already done so. It will also be helpful to the clergy person to have spoken to you if and when one of your parents contacts him or her for an appointment.

You can soften the blow by being prepared, by demonstrating that you are interested in your new faith and are becoming an active participant. If you were ambivalent about religion in the past, be enthusiastic when you are explaining the new rituals and traditions about which you are learning. Include them in your celebrations and clarify anything that is confusing for them. Allow them time to absorb your decision and to understand that you are not abandoning them or the values with which you were raised. You have simply found a divergent path that meets your needs and the needs of the family you are establishing. However, a word of caution is in order: Don’t be overly zealous—find a balance that is respectful and appropriate for your family.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

This is going into a new blog post, but, the Jewish spouse must make sure s/he creates an inclusive atmosphere for the non-Jewish spouse/partner. Oftentimes problems surface when the Jewish spouse makes assumptions that the non-Jewish spouse understands specific traditions and cultural expectations without any explanations.

Perhaps what is needed more than anything is diversity training for interfaith couples and their extended families!

FINAL WORD

Just to reiterate, making the decision to convert is a personal decision. Choosing not to convert is also a personal decision and a valid option. This will be addressed in another blog post—there is too much material to address conversion both ways and retaining your own faith practices in one post. So, keep checking back for more information and be sure to contact Interfaith Life Coaching (www.interfaithlifecoaching.com) if there is a topic you would like addressed in this forum.

Next Time: 

Converting From Judaism to a Different Religion

Visit me at www.interfaithlifecoaching.com where I address all of your concerns regarding living in an interfaith relationship and building bridges, making memories and creating solutions while embracing faith, family and tradition.