LET’S TALK ABOUT CONVERSION Part II Look for a Post March 9, 2015

LET’S TALK ABOUT CONVERSION

Part II 

Now that we have established some of the parameters for converting to Judaism, let’s talk about what happens when someone converts from Judaism to another religion. Jewish parents don’t like to think about their children leaving “the Tribe” or finding a spiritual home outside the continuum of Judaism, but it does happen and it is best to be prepared for how that might be perceived and what consequences one might face.

Judaism is both a religion and a culture; it is a way of life for many people completely separate from anything they might practice. The best explanation I have read recently that speaks to the depth of desire Jewish parents have for the continuity of Judaism in their family came from Rabbi Arthur Green in his new book, Judaism’s Ten Best Ideas: A Brief Guide For Seekers in which he writes "Deuteronomy 6:7 states: 'You shall teach them diligently to your children' and is the commandment to educate, to pass the legacy of tradition and its knowledge onward from generation to generation." Rabbi Green continues, “Jews have a particularly strong awareness that our lives serve as bridges between those who came before and those will come after us; each of us is a living link between our grandparents and our grandchildren.” Imagine being the one who breaks the link that has lasted hundreds of years.

JUDAISM AND SPIRITUALITY

Each religion has its specific tenets and practices for which it is known. While Judaism certainly has a specific system of belief, it is known more as a religion of what one does rather than what one believes. This works well for a lot of people, but for some, it’s just not enough. Many people need to have a creed or statement of beliefs that they adhere to, Judaism does not provide that. The closest Judaism comes is the Shema: Hear O Israel, The Lord is Our God; Our God is One, which conveys the belief that there is but one God. Some people have been raised in Jewish homes that are more about ritual and less about individual relationships to God—the idea that one performs the commandments and belief will follow is often the explanation. A second explanation is that we do these things because we are commanded, they are expected of us and that should be enough.

Regardless of the reasoning, for some people this isn't enough and they begin to explore and look elsewhere for the spiritual connection to God they are seeking. My intention here is simply pointing out that for various reasons, some people don’t find what they are looking for on the continuum of what is known as Judaism and look elsewhere; please do not read any displeasure or criticism into anything written here because that is certainly not my intention. 

More and more what people are seeking when they look outside the bounds of Judaism is connection to community. While not always true, what I hear from those I ask about affiliation is that they don’t feel connected to anyone or anything in their synagogue or Jewish community. So, they begin looking elsewhere. Christian communities, particularly, are experts at the community-building aspect of engaging seekers.

JUDAISM AND CONVERSION

In the 1960’s and 70’s there was a widespread movement of Jewish seekers who found their way to Buddhism. So many, in fact, that the Jew-Bu became something of a new phenomenon. The extent of this explosion is recorded in the book The Jew in The Lotus by Roger Kamenetz (1995). Today, there are still quite a number of disenfranchised Jews who discover what they can’t find in Judaism in Eastern religions like Buddhism, Hinduism and Baha'i. These tend to be more attractive because they are understood more as philosophies and a way of life in which one can retain aspects of one’s Jewishness while meeting the need for a more spiritually centered faith expression. Many of the practices that attracted people to Buddhism in particular have found their way into popular culture, and into mainstream Jewish life. Numerous synagogues, Jewish community centers, and organizations now offer meditation and yoga classes on a regular basis; people are rediscovering ancient practices of Mussar and Kabbalah.

However, for some there is still another path to follow. It is important to understand that, for most Jews, the idea of a personal savior and forgiveness of sins as expounded upon in Christianity is a completely foreign concept. While Judaism is a religion of praxis or practice, Christianity is a religion based upon belief. Although born of the same roots, the two could not be farther apart in many respects.  A few of the more challenging traits that separate the two are:

• Christians believe Jesus to be the Messiah; Judaism teaches the Messiah has not yet come and anticipates a very different type of figure to be the messiah.
• Christians believe in the trinity—God manifest in three ways, Father, Son and Holy Spirit; Judaism teaches that there is but one manifestation of God.
• Judaism does not teach about salvation per se; Christianity has a very specific path leading to salvation.
• While Judaism accepts a belief in the eternity of life it is not the centerpiece of Jewish faith, whereas Christianity intertwines salvation and eternal life together.
• Judaism accepts those choosing to convert warmly while Christianity seeks converts as part of its mission to ensure everyone has heard the salvation message.

In each of the instances above there is opportunity for misunderstanding leading to awkward conversations. However, there is also equal opportunity for open dialogue and conversations about how to live in a world that is full of people with diverse opinions, beliefs and traditions. Being respectful while sharing one’s traditions is how you move forward with family and friends of various faiths.

BEFORE YOU MOVE FORWARD WITH 

YOUR CONVERSION

Among those who chose to convert to another faith there remain the same cautionary items as for anyone converting to Judaism:

• Make sure your family knows you are considering conversion in advance of any decision.
• Be aware that there will likely be objections, perhaps strong objections.
• Visit your rabbi, or your parent’s rabbi in advance of any conversations with your parents, grandparents or siblings.
• Know enough about Judaism to be certain there is nothing that meets your needs before you seek elsewhere—many people stop studying at age 13, when they become Bar/Bat Mitzvah—go back to the Torah, to Temple and learn what you may have forgotten.
• Understand that while you are making an informed decision, your loved ones may react from an emotional basis that has nothing to do with your decision.
• Be patient and loving and accept that your decision may cause pain for your family.
• Do not attempt, under any circumstances, to draw family members into converting with you, this is a personal decision and you must not evangelize among them.

WHY CONVERTING FROM JUDAISM TO CHRISTIANITY IS DIFFERENT

Every tradition has its own history, its own value system and its own worldview. While we share many traditions, values and much of our worldview, there are still vast differences between the two faith traditions. Judaism, as we have already learned, is less about belief and more about practice, whereas Christianity is more about belief and less about practice. Christianity has central faith practices that are inherent to its tradition, but at its core is the essential belief in Jesus as savior. There is no savior figure in Judaism; there is not the same understanding of salvation in Judaism as there is in Christianity; and there is no impetus toward ensuring our loved ones have eternal life.

Judaism has its roots in a tribal culture; that is all Jews came from the same original 12 tribes, the descendants of Jacob. Eventually, all except the tribe of Judah were “lost” or absorbed into other cultures and those who remain are scattered around the world. Fast forward over the centuries and Judaism is a religion that has transformed from a tribal, temple-based ritual to a prayer-based practice that involves a particular format and structure. For people in more traditional communities, such as Orthodox or Conservative congregations, it may feel like a rule-based religion. Among those in the more progressive movements like Reform and Reconstructionist congregations, some experience an absence of expression and emotion.

So, for either a perceived a lack of, or excessive of, some people begin seeking what they believe to be missing outside of Judaism. When they find what they are seeking in Christianity, there is often a “knee-jerk” reaction among their family members and emotions run high. Throughout the course of history, Jews have been persecuted, and generally it has been at the hands of Christians, or those who align themselves with Christianity. From the Romans in biblical times, to the Crusades, to the Inquisitions, to the Holocaust, there is no denying that history gives Judaism reason to be suspect of Christianity as a whole. Islam also has a history of persecution, but conversions from Judaism to Islam are rare under current circumstances so we will focus on Christianity.

My point in bringing this up is simply to provide information and clarification in order for you, the reader, to understand why converting from Judaism to Christianity may be seen as such a big deal to the Jewish family. Sometimes maintaining Judaism is the only thing a family has been able to pass on from one generation to the next. When parents and grandparents, who have literally seen their homes vanish because of their religious beliefs and practices, see a child or grandchild voluntary turn away from their heritage it can create a chasm among family members. If Christianity played a part in the family drama, at any point, that will be the focus, regardless of the number of generations that may have passed.

RESPONDING TO SOMEONE WHO IS CONVERTING FROM JUDAISM

Historically if someone converted from Judaism to any other religion, the family would sit shiva, the period of mourning for the deceased. Yes, that is correct, parents would react as if their child had died and that person would no longer be acknowledged as a living member of the family. In many Orthodox circles this remains true today, indeed, in some Conservative families they would possibly sit shiva as well. Most Reform and Reconstructionist would not, although the ones I know have found it difficult to accept and be open about any such conversions. Somehow people find it easier to understand if it is the result of a marriage instead of due to soul-searching on one’s own.

Whatever the reason or whenever the decision is made, unless the person confides in you and asks for advice, don’t offer your opinion. Accept your friend, family member, congregant as presented and be supportive. If you have found yourself in similar circumstances you may want to make sure s/he is aware that you have already traveled this path and are available to share your experiences. Then step back and wait until your expertise is requested. This is a very emotionally charged time; I have worked with people who have literally been cut off from their families of origin over their choice of religion. Please don’t tell that person you know how he or she feels unless you really have been through the same experience otherwise no matter how much you are trying to help you will do more harm.

Above all else, avoid telling anecdotes about friends or acquaintances who mended relationships with family members after a period of time. Each circumstance is different, each family has unique dynamics and there is no way to predict what may happen. Offering false hopes or projecting an outcome based on some other scenario isn't helpful.

On a positive note, with the rise in interfaith marriages, many Jewish families are much more comfortable with whole idea of blended families and blended traditions. While parents might not think it ideal, rather than risk losing their children, they will often find ways to embrace their children and their new found faith, albeit cautiously. There may still be discomfort with Christian ritual and celebrations, church attendance, and seeing grandchildren undergo lifecycle events in a church. However, this is far better than alienation and disinheritance. 

SEEKING SIMILARITIES

There is no doubt that Judaism and Christianity share a common core of beliefs and that many of the rituals of Christianity come from Judaism. We’ll save that for another post (something to keep you coming back!). But, just like when working on finding your core values, this can be the same sort of exercise with your family. You have not fundamentally changed; you are still the same person that your family has always known and loved.

You can help bridge the chasm that may have developed by demonstrating that you still value the traditions with which you were raised. Here are some suggestions:

• Continue participating in family celebrations on holidays.
• Respect your family’s wishes by not proselytizing among them.
• Host your holiday celebrations at your home and invite family members to join you, but don’t be upset or disappointed if they decline; this might take some time.
• If you are offered the opportunity, explain areas the two faiths have in common but only if you are asked.

SUMMING IT UP

This is a pretty heavy topic, and to some it might be very discouraging. I will admit that I am a realist. I don’t like trying to sidestep difficult conversations by leading people to think everything will be “ok” when it may not be. I believe people need to know that their decisions may have consequences and that they should be fully aware of every contingency possible before making a decision.

That being said, it is also important to understand where other people are coming from, what drives their responses and how you can prepare for the inevitable conversation you will have with loved ones if you choose to leave the faith of your family of origin. So far I have not found a book or guide that gives directions on how to prepare your family to accept your decision. Perhaps I will write one; I think someone needs to offer some guidance.

Not every family will denounce a member who converts to another religion from Judaism. There are plenty of people for whom Judaism is not really that important and who will be happy their child, sibling or cousin has found a meaningful expression of faith and tradition. Many others will work through their own ambivalence and uncertainty in an effort to be supportive. Some will find a new love for Judaism as a result of these changes but still be able to embrace their loved one’s new-found faith.

If you find yourself in a quagmire of indecision or with a houseful of irate family members, feel free to contact me. This is a subject with which I am very familiar. I have lived this and come out the other side intact; in fact I’m much stronger and more knowledgeable because of my experiences. It’s a tough one, but every experience in life is an opportunity for growth if you allow it to be.

As always, I can be reached at www.interfaithlifecoaching.com. I look forward to continuing the conversation with you. Please feel free to email me at interfaithlifecoaching@gmail.com, add comments or share this post with your friends.

NEXT TIME—When Converting Just Doesn’t Feel Right

Sometimes converting isn't the right decision.  Let’s talk about what that means for you and your family: Under what circumstances are you not comfortable converting? What does that mean for your children? How will that affect your marriage? Whenever there are questions, there are answers!

L'hitraot,

Margaret